No matter what I did, I could never please my mother. No matter what I did, my mother would find something wrong with it. I could never do anything to please her. If she was in a good mood, she loved me. If she was in a bad mood, I was no good, I was fat and ugly and bad. As a young girl I was so confused, I did not know who I was. I know now that she suffered from bi-polar, but at the time, that hardly mattered. My mother hurt me so much that after a while I just did not care anymore. At eleven years old I came home to an empty house. Everything and everyone was gone. My mother, my sisters, and all the furniture were gone. The only thing left behind was a single box and a note. My mother had wanted to move to Florida, and I had told her I did not want to go. So she left me. She left me behind and went to Florida without me.

For the first few months I stayed with my grandmother, but eventually I ended up in a group home. The people there were very nice to me. They were very loving to me, but I could not accept that. My own mother had left me and they wanted me to believe that they cared about me? She came back a year later. She took me back and just like that I was reunited with my family. There were no questions asked and no one ever talked about it. I was always wondering what was wrong with me. I started smoking pot and messing around with drugs. They made me feel good. When I was thirteen my mother called DCYF and told them that she did not want me anymore. She told them that she could not control me and that she did not want to have anything to do with me.

My teenage years were filled with rebellion, always running away from group homes and foster homes. At seventeen I met a boy who I thought I loved, and I ended up with a child. I stayed at the Sofia Little Home, a place for pregnant girls. I stopped using drugs, and I even stopped smoking cigarettes. I was so happy to be having a baby. I thought it would change my life, and it did for a while. A few years passed and I had my second child. Life was good until I caught Michael cheating on me! It just hurt me so much. I just could not believe that he did this to me!!! My heart was crushed!!!!!!! I became bitter and resentful and hateful!!!!! In a state of rage I asked him how he could do this to me and the kids. He told me that he started smoking crack and this girl was supplying it!! I was furious and the next time I went out I informed my friends that I wanted to try this drug that Michael chose over the kids and me.

I was twenty-two years old the first time I tried crack and within one month I was hooked. It was only a matter of a few months before I realized that I no longer wanted to be a mother. All I wanted to do is get high. I called DCYF on myself and eventually the kids were taken from me. At first it was so bad. I would look around my empty house and listen to the quiet atmosphere and I could not take the pain, so I got high. It was not too long after that I began to enjoy the freedom of being without the kids, and I just stayed high!!!!!!

I was twenty-seven years old when I discovered heroin. I was on a high one night from smoking crack, and it was one of those highs where I just could not come down. I was freaking out! Finally one of my friends offered me some heroin. He said it would calm me down! And it did. This was the beginning of my love affair with dope! So now I am smoking crack and snorting dope. I tried to stop but I just could not do it. Finally DCYF sends me papers to terminate the rights of my children. And through heart wrenching pain, I realized they would be better off without me. So I signed my babies away!!!! My life became a suicide mission and I began to live in what I call the devil's playground. It was not long before I started shooting dope, turning tricks, and living in the ghettoes of Providence. I lived in abandoned houses and broken down cars. I went to jail and institutions. I tried many times to get clean but I just could not do it. In moments of clarity I would cry for my children and then run for drugs so I could numb the tormenting pain that crippled my mind.

One night while walking the strip, a man dragged me behind an abandoned building and tortured me for three hours. He made me perform oral sex on him and raped and sodomized me! It was at this time that I remembered the words of my precious mother in-law, "Baaaabbby, if ever you find yourself in need, you call on the name of Jesus and he will meet you right where you are." I really thought I was going to die that night. But when I did what mama said, God showed up for me, and this crazy man stopped what he was doing and ran away. I wish I could say that I changed my ways but I did not! As a matter of fact I went right back to the strip and got another date. My life became a living hell and I tried with all that I had inside of me to die!!!!! But God had another plan!!!! Mama always used to say, "Joanna, God is going to use your life in a mighty way! He loves you so much!" As a matter of fact, when I would go on drug missions for days, Mama would always have her arms opened wide when I would come in the house. She would say, "Joanna!!!! Thank God you are home. Come and sit down and let me give you something to eat." Her love for Jesus was so grand and in return her love for me began to penetrate my heart.

I was a dirty whore, yet this holy ghost filled woman would embrace me and pray for me. She would tell me how much I meant to God and how much Jesus wanted to save me from my life of despair and hopelessness. On February 20, 2005, I found myself sitting on the side of the road in the same clothes that I had been wearing for days. I heard the voice of Mama and I looked toward heaven and asked God to please help me. At this point I was a 70 bag a day I.V. user and a 1,000 dollar crack smoker. I went to detox, and while I was there my miracle came. Lord willing, this February I will be three years free!!!!! I have been forever changed by the power of God. He has restored my relationship with all of my children and I am very close to the families that adopted them. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!! What he did for me he can do for you too!!! It just takes a surrendered heart. I have never known a peace like this. I am so in love with Jesus!!! He has changed my hate into love, my fear into faith, my unforgiveness into forgiveness, and my heaviness into joy. He has taken this rough and tough woman, and made me into a sweet butterfly. I truly understand the thought process of the man who wrote, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see!!!"

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazereth, I am asking for your holy spirit to penetrate the hearts and minds of all who read this. May they find hope and inspiration in what you did for me and may they too turn their face toward heaven and call on the name of your son Jesus.

Love,
Your sister in Christ,
Joanna Sarafian