How can I sum up a lifetime of pain and blessings? I have always believed in God with all my heart, but never trusted him at the same time. As a single parent I lived each day worrying about how I was going to get through the next day. I had no money, food, support, or education. I really didn’t believe God loved me, or he wouldn’t have let my life be the way it was.

You see, I almost died at birth and I couldn’t understand why he let me live just to be neglected my whole life. Where was the love in life? Yet, I know I needed him. I wanted my daughter to know him, and that’s when I came to church, not that I believed I needed to go.

Over the years I learned so much about life, the Lord, and myself. Yet, at the same time, I still worried every day about bills, my future, and my daughter. During this time God did provide in miraculous ways. People would bring food bags, and the church lent support. Even a dear friend gave me the closing cost for my home so I could buy it. I went so far as to put God on a time limit as to when he needed to get money for me, if he really cared. Even when I told God you have one month to do this or that, as brazen as I was, he did it. He didn’t have to, but he did!

I lived my life trying to find my future and the answers myself. I knew what I wanted in life, so I thought God would go along with my plans. He didn’t. What a rude awakening!

One day, praying and complaining to God once more, reflecting over the years of raising my daughter, I prayed, “God, if you would have only told me that it all would have worked out okay, that I was going to make my rent, that my car would get me through, if you would have only let me know that everything would have turned out okay, then I would have been happy and not worried, and really would have enjoyed life.”

And like a ton of bricks, it hit me. I missed it! He did tell me! In the scriptures, by his deeds, by providing each week. I didn’t listen or believe. How many good years I wasted by not having faith and trying to do it my way. I can only blame myself for years of unhappiness. Now when I start to stress out, and I know that I have been doing right, tithing, not over-spending, I try to rely on these words I read, “Let Go and Let God.”

Praise be to God!